Catharsis

Last night Marty pooped on my lap.

That's all I'd like to say about it.

Belated 2006 Summary

Where did you begin 2006?
In Shane's backyard, drinking to cure the previous night's hangover. And then in lots of bars that I vaguely recall having lots of stairs.

What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Still married to the fantabulous Benj.

Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Yes, I managed to hang around campus pretending to do a PhD for over 6 months before it started to dawn on both my supervisors & myself that perhaps I wasn't particularly engaged with my topic. Or was just plain lazy. Either way.

How did you earn your money?
For the most part, I gave my bank account details to Benj and then money magically appeared. On the side, I entered descriptions of hundreds of metres of rocks into Excel. And recently I've been paid to answer inane text messages from drunken English people.

Did you have to go to the hospital?
Did I have to go to hospital? No. Did I go to hospital? Yes. I went to check out scary pains and ended up having an ultrasound to check that The Tadpole was still resident in my uterus. Turns out I was just being my usual hypochondriac self and everything was normal and fine.

Did you have any encounters with the police?
I called them at about midnight a while ago to let them know there was a group of 8 year olds out on their own in our rather unsavoury neighbourhood. Must be maternal instinct kicking in already. The police didn't care, by the way.

Where did you go on holiday?
Sydney. This is obviously one of my off years after long having been a sophisticated, well-travelled member of the jet set.

What did you purchase that was over $1000?
A house! We move in on Thursday!

Did you know anybody who got married?
My parents. To each other. Again. Also, Josh & Tonya, Derek & Ai, Megan & Emmett. Someone else, too. Sorry to whoever it is I've forgotten.

Did you know anybody who passed away?
No, thank goodness. It's always a good year when nobody you know dies.

Have you run into anybody you left high school with?
Yes. When I was visiting my mum in Shepp, I was at the pub with my sister and saw someone I went to school with. And talked to them briefly. But I can't remember who it was. Chris, too, but I see him often. Also Melita, but she invited me over, so I wouldn't call it 'running into'.

Did you move anywhere?
The wrong side of the tracks in Lismore. Sam's Handy Hint: Try never to rent somewhere if you've never visited the area.

What sporting events did you go to?
Melbourne Victory v Perth Glory. I ate a pie.

What concerts/shows did you go to?
Apparently the Lion King, but I thought that was last year. Whenever it was, it reinforced my belief that most children can't act, and they definitely can't act AND sing. Also Something For Kate & The Cat Empire.

Are you registered to vote?
Yes. In this state, they apparently find out who moves into rental properties and if you're not, they send round a really nice looking lady, so you're all off your guard and open the door to her, then she throws all these forms and threats at you. I've since discovered that although a belief in an invisible magical man who lives in the sky gets you off the hook for compulsory voting, a carefully considered political ideal doesn't.

Where do you live now?
Goonellabah, but moving to Casino soon. I'm not sure which is worse.

Describe your birthday.
I spent it at home by myself watching bad Australian movies from the 70's (research! Hey, I did do something for my PhD!) and drinking more beer than you should ever drink when you're alone.

What's the one thing you thought you would never do, but did in 2006?
Use the word 'clement' in a sentence. And I wasn't trying to be funny. Oh, and I quit smoking.

What has been your favourite moment?
Finding out that The Tadpole was okay, and later on feeling him/her move around. Driving all over the NSW countryside with Benj.

What's something you learned about yourself?
I am very, very fertile. My cervix has a magnetic effect on spermatazoa within a 5-mile radius. I will never cease to be amazed that teeny-tiny birth control pills ever managed to tame my rampant fecundity.

Any new additions to your family?
Zapp Brannigan (small, black, needs constant attention, possibly retarded)
A Cat Named Marty Cohen (not quite so small, black, likes to lick my toes)
The Tadpole (very small humanoid, arriving around May/June next year)

What was your best month?
December.

What music will you remember 2006 by?
Doornails by NOFX, Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O'Connor*, You're Beautiful by James Blunt, Wouldn’t Believe It by The Get Up Kids, and I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor by The Artic Monkeys.

Who has been your best drinking buddy?
Benj. But because that could be a little sad, also Chris & Fleurie.

Favourite Night out?
The Swing Patrol Birthday Ball.

Any regrets?
That I didn't find a more memorable and entertaining way in which to inform Benj that he'd succeeded in knocking me up. Thumping into the bedroom at 6am, brandishing a peed-upon stick and screeching, 'Baby, it worked,' wasn't quite how I'd planned it.

How many toes do you have?
I personally have 10 toes, but my body as a whole now contains 20. I am so way cooler than everyone else.

Rejecting God: A Novel

I love finding new and interesting ways to waste my time.

Today, I listed my 10 favourite books, then plugged them into LibraryThing to find both my top 10 suggestions, & my top 10 unsuggestions.

For the record, here's my original top 10.

1. She's Come Undone by Wally Lamb.
2. The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri.
3. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides.
4. What We Talk About When We Talk About Love by Raymond Carver.
5. Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk.
6. Wise Children by Angela Carter.
7. Glamorama by Brett Easton-Ellis.
8. White Teeth by Zadie Smith.
9. Cunt: A Declaration of Independence by Inga Muscio.
10. 1988 by Andrew McGahan.

This list says more about me than I'd like to admit. Namely, a) My literary tastes aren't quite as literary as I would like to pretend, b) I'm preoccupied with sex and violence and c) My gender politics come in an entertaining and easy-to-read format.

So, according to that list, my top 10 recommendations are*:

1. Here on Earth by Alice Hoffman.
2. Brick Lane: a Novel by Monica Ali.
3. The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen.
4. The Stories of John Cheever by John Cheever.
5. The Contortionist's Handbook: a Novel by Craig Clevenger.
6. Daughters of the House by Michele Roberts.
7. Bright Lights, Big City: a Novel by Jay McInerney.
8. The Accidental by Ali Smith.
9. Manifesta: Young Women, Feminism and the Future by Jennifer Baumgardner.
10. The Chosen by David Ireland.

Which means that I now have 10 books to read. More time to waste. Excellent.

Can I just ask, though, what the fuck is up with adding the description "A Novel" to the title of your novel? I'm disturbed by the spread of this wanktastic trend. To me, it's pretty clear that it's a novel without having that extra description tacked on. And if someone can't figure out that a novel is a novel without being told, then I really don't think they're going to be reading it anyway.

And now for my top 10 Un-Recommendations.

1. Code Complete: A Practical Handbook of Software Construction by Steve McConnell.
2. Don't Waste Your Life by John Piper.**
3. Basics of Biblical Greek: Grammar by William D. Mounce.
4. Prey: novel by Michael Crichton.
5. A Light in the Window by Jan Karon.**
6. The Purpose-Driven Life: What On Earth Am I Here For? by Rick Warren.**
7. Desiring God: Meditations of a Christian Hedonist by John Piper.**
8. Wild at Heart: Discovering the Passionate Soul of a Man by John Eldredge.**
9. The Pelican Brief by John Grisham.
10. Mort: A Novel of Discworld by Terry Pratchett.

This says even more about me than my original list, I think. To summarise, I don't like God, nerds or crappy thrillers.

That's not quite true, actually. I have nothing against nerds. I just don't want to hear about their jobs or their fantasy-world leisure activities.

I actually considered reading number 7 and number 8 on that above list, but I know that there's just no way that they're as funny as I think they'll be.

*Not including other books by the same author, or ones that I've already read, cos that would just be boring.

** Just to clarify, as some of the titles are ambiguous, these are all Christian books.

The Very Lucky Kitten